The following piece is written by a former member of a WashU secret society. It is part of WU People's series on secret societies on campus.
Speaking as someone who spent time affiliated with a secret society, I can say without doubt that it has been one of the most negative aspects of my college career. This calling out is not to somehow place myself above the group, as that simply plays into the power dynamics that it perpetuates in the first place. Nor does it take away from the fact that I did make the conscious decision to align myself with it at one point in time, and that, because of people like me, the group is able to exist at all. As a direct result of this involvement, I have made people feel uncomfortable on our campus. To those who feel this way, know I am deeply sorry for the implications of my actions. I hope this piece can serve as a continued dialogue into the role of the many secret societies at Wash U in general, and with the increased access to knowledge, hopefully lead to their end. If they continue to exist, maybe this can equip those who are tapped with the ability to more accurately question that which is to come.
I remember receiving the call in my suite. I’m not sure what compelled me to answer, as usually I’m not one for phone calls (they tend to stress me out), but it began the saga of recruitment that took up much of my mental space that year. While I won’t get into the specifics here, as many of the details regarding recruitment were accurately summarized in a previous WU people’s history article, I will try and touch on some of the emotion and more personal experiences that accompanied the process. I think the common theme that kept me coming back for more was that of feeling wanted, of being made to believe that I was a special snowflake who was being recognized as a human being in a way I had never before experienced. This part of recruitment was incredibly powerful, and coupled with the continued mystery of there always being a next step to look forward to, it kept me eagerly waiting and “committed” as I would have once said. This allure of the unknown became a powerful bonding agent to the group itself, as well as our individual class, and served as a common thread to connect all of us in a way I personally had never experienced. I think this was part of what made it seem so immediate and important, the fact that it capitalized on many of us experiencing this sort of situation for the very first time, as well as all the emotion that stemmed from it. As life continues to pass, there are fewer and fewer days in which we are exposed to so much that is new and uncharted within our own lives.
Think of how consuming some of your first experiences were, how easy it was to fixate on your first love, how relevant your first friend might seem; the theme of firsts is very influential in my ultimate understanding of the my group involvement. This makes the fact that it is a “secret” all the stronger, as the only people who can relate are those that are also a part of the society. This helps to create an insular community in which you are forced to look inward to find those who can truly empathize, thus strengthening the bonds that are formed.
Because of this, it’s very easy for me to acknowledge the good it can serve in someone’s life, and in no way do I think people who continue to associate themselves with such groups are bad people. Instead, I view it as a natural part of the secret nature of the group in general, and the strong emotions it can elicit in making one feel wanted. It is basic human nature to think in terms of in-group/out-group mentality, and being afforded a space in which you are “in” is very valuable for one’s own confidence and self-esteem. This feeling of acceptance into the “in” became blinding, and there was nothing more that I wanted to continue to be invited back to something that felt greater than myself. It allowed me to de-emphasize the values that led to my ultimate separation.
While this might seemingly come off as my own attempt at a shitty justification of my actions, it does not begin to touch on the more negative side of my experience, which I also feel is important to share, while also wanting to note that this is personal to me and I do not speak for anyone else who may be affiliated. In my opinion, the group granted me nothing that wasn’t already immediately available to me. It fed into an elitist, mastubatorial mindset that it was” us against the world,” that it was up to us and the group to see our own values lead to change. There was little acknowledgement of the role that chance played in all of our involvement. Even when there was, it felt like lip service to the truth that we still had individually passed some test to be considered “fucking sweet.” The only thing that led to my recruitment was the random luck that led me to meeting people who would go on to tap me, or that with those people I happened to have a conversation they thought was “worthy” of group consideration. After all, we’re at Wash U; everyone here is unbelievably brilliant. But the recruitment process did not lend itself to this sort of questioning. Through this absence of situational awareness, it fed my ego in ways I now believe to be both self-serving and led to complacency. It became too easy to say that because I was a part of this completely arbitrary group, it must have meant there was some value to my life and my ideas. It did not challenge the world around me in a way that would lead to continued growth.
The further away from the mystery I became, the easier it was to separate my intense initial emotional response and make a more informed decision about my future involvement. The more aware I became of my mixed feelings towards the group, the more it played into overwhelming paranoia and anxiety that this was a secret I was now forced to keep. I did not how unnecessary the group would feel as I continued to go through the recruitment process--but held out hope based on the initial excitement and surprises the initial stages had created for me. And as these troubles began to rise in my life, the only people I was encouraged to seek support from people who were part of the group. This helped perpetuate a cycle where I felt I became dependent on that which was the main source of my anxiety.
That is what I believe ultimately led me to dropping; I value openness of thought, honest conversation, and unquestioning acceptance no matter what identities you may hold. While I believe that a secret is not inherently a lie, when said secret affects the way in which you show up in a room, sacrificing the ability to share those moments with everyone around you is doing everyone a disservice. Despite how we choose to define ourselves, we are all human. We are afforded the unbelievable ability to connect with each and every person in our lives, and the only way to do so is through truth, respect, and a willingness to explore the unknowns of our individual vulnerabilities. We cannot expect to deeply love and connect when we prevent ourselves from sharing our truths, and that is what led me to stepping away shortly into the next year. I hope moving forward that we can continue to have positive conversations about what it means to feel accepted in college, especially in a place that has as many brilliant people as Wash U. It is too easy to get caught up in the stress of college, of having to identify that which is to come in an unbelievably uncertain life, and at the end of the day all we have is one another for support. I can only hope to continue striving to grow, to learn, and to best support those around me in ways that are positive for everyone involved, and that we can all support each other through this crazy time in our lives. Hopefully this gives a peak into a more personal account of secret societies and the role the play on campus, and I can only hope that people won’t feel the need to keep secret that we are all loved into the future.
I remember receiving the call in my suite. I’m not sure what compelled me to answer, as usually I’m not one for phone calls (they tend to stress me out), but it began the saga of recruitment that took up much of my mental space that year. While I won’t get into the specifics here, as many of the details regarding recruitment were accurately summarized in a previous WU people’s history article, I will try and touch on some of the emotion and more personal experiences that accompanied the process. I think the common theme that kept me coming back for more was that of feeling wanted, of being made to believe that I was a special snowflake who was being recognized as a human being in a way I had never before experienced. This part of recruitment was incredibly powerful, and coupled with the continued mystery of there always being a next step to look forward to, it kept me eagerly waiting and “committed” as I would have once said. This allure of the unknown became a powerful bonding agent to the group itself, as well as our individual class, and served as a common thread to connect all of us in a way I personally had never experienced. I think this was part of what made it seem so immediate and important, the fact that it capitalized on many of us experiencing this sort of situation for the very first time, as well as all the emotion that stemmed from it. As life continues to pass, there are fewer and fewer days in which we are exposed to so much that is new and uncharted within our own lives.
Think of how consuming some of your first experiences were, how easy it was to fixate on your first love, how relevant your first friend might seem; the theme of firsts is very influential in my ultimate understanding of the my group involvement. This makes the fact that it is a “secret” all the stronger, as the only people who can relate are those that are also a part of the society. This helps to create an insular community in which you are forced to look inward to find those who can truly empathize, thus strengthening the bonds that are formed.
Because of this, it’s very easy for me to acknowledge the good it can serve in someone’s life, and in no way do I think people who continue to associate themselves with such groups are bad people. Instead, I view it as a natural part of the secret nature of the group in general, and the strong emotions it can elicit in making one feel wanted. It is basic human nature to think in terms of in-group/out-group mentality, and being afforded a space in which you are “in” is very valuable for one’s own confidence and self-esteem. This feeling of acceptance into the “in” became blinding, and there was nothing more that I wanted to continue to be invited back to something that felt greater than myself. It allowed me to de-emphasize the values that led to my ultimate separation.
While this might seemingly come off as my own attempt at a shitty justification of my actions, it does not begin to touch on the more negative side of my experience, which I also feel is important to share, while also wanting to note that this is personal to me and I do not speak for anyone else who may be affiliated. In my opinion, the group granted me nothing that wasn’t already immediately available to me. It fed into an elitist, mastubatorial mindset that it was” us against the world,” that it was up to us and the group to see our own values lead to change. There was little acknowledgement of the role that chance played in all of our involvement. Even when there was, it felt like lip service to the truth that we still had individually passed some test to be considered “fucking sweet.” The only thing that led to my recruitment was the random luck that led me to meeting people who would go on to tap me, or that with those people I happened to have a conversation they thought was “worthy” of group consideration. After all, we’re at Wash U; everyone here is unbelievably brilliant. But the recruitment process did not lend itself to this sort of questioning. Through this absence of situational awareness, it fed my ego in ways I now believe to be both self-serving and led to complacency. It became too easy to say that because I was a part of this completely arbitrary group, it must have meant there was some value to my life and my ideas. It did not challenge the world around me in a way that would lead to continued growth.
The further away from the mystery I became, the easier it was to separate my intense initial emotional response and make a more informed decision about my future involvement. The more aware I became of my mixed feelings towards the group, the more it played into overwhelming paranoia and anxiety that this was a secret I was now forced to keep. I did not how unnecessary the group would feel as I continued to go through the recruitment process--but held out hope based on the initial excitement and surprises the initial stages had created for me. And as these troubles began to rise in my life, the only people I was encouraged to seek support from people who were part of the group. This helped perpetuate a cycle where I felt I became dependent on that which was the main source of my anxiety.
That is what I believe ultimately led me to dropping; I value openness of thought, honest conversation, and unquestioning acceptance no matter what identities you may hold. While I believe that a secret is not inherently a lie, when said secret affects the way in which you show up in a room, sacrificing the ability to share those moments with everyone around you is doing everyone a disservice. Despite how we choose to define ourselves, we are all human. We are afforded the unbelievable ability to connect with each and every person in our lives, and the only way to do so is through truth, respect, and a willingness to explore the unknowns of our individual vulnerabilities. We cannot expect to deeply love and connect when we prevent ourselves from sharing our truths, and that is what led me to stepping away shortly into the next year. I hope moving forward that we can continue to have positive conversations about what it means to feel accepted in college, especially in a place that has as many brilliant people as Wash U. It is too easy to get caught up in the stress of college, of having to identify that which is to come in an unbelievably uncertain life, and at the end of the day all we have is one another for support. I can only hope to continue striving to grow, to learn, and to best support those around me in ways that are positive for everyone involved, and that we can all support each other through this crazy time in our lives. Hopefully this gives a peak into a more personal account of secret societies and the role the play on campus, and I can only hope that people won’t feel the need to keep secret that we are all loved into the future.